i know that sometimes i ask for too much ..and i expect too much from him..but i cant help it cos im soo used to him being mine..
mm right now im meant to be studying for itf..and i am tryin..im reading and tryin to teach myself.. bt i really reallly need help for this coz im not doing great at all and going to fail.. sighs
so i was talkin to roger about it and asking him whether he can help me and teach me coz i need like 53% to get borderline 50% overall! X_X yes..that bad lol

so anyways, i was asking him and he sed that he cant tonight.. and im like..oh.. i wasnt askin him to come over or anything i just wondering if he could help me..yes i know that this might be sounding really stoopid right now sigh but yeahh bleh roger is roger and he has a huge effect on me even if its just a liddol stoopid thing..

anyways,.. i was like.. hmm wen i want help and ask him ..he is busy and when he is "free" or wants to help me its alwasie the wrong time..sighs.. mmm im kinda bleh at him atm coz like.. he got an exam tmro right but he isnt studying nemore.. coz he knows all his stuff and prepared to ace it..sigh so hes at home.."bumming" and just chatting on msn i guess.. sighs but not to me.. bleh..

mm and he sed that he didnt wana talk about studying for the rest of the night.. bleh sigh he is free to help me obviously but he dont want to huh? sighs.. he confuses me sometimes..coz sometimes he is soo sweet and he still does things that he knows that i like.. for example, i was studying with him at mcl yesterday and then he wnt to lunch and bought me my fav biscuits..sigh and he sed that he bought it just for me.. bleh sigh..

i was reli angry at him yesterdaay too btw..lol sighh.. mmm blehhh he also came over to visit me last night too..reli random of him sigh.. of course im hapy bt i wasnt expecting him to come over today and of all days.. i had an exam this morning which i reali got ownd for.. sigh i didnt study enough coz when he came over he wantd to slp! sighs...

im angry at him coz why does he alwasie get everything that he wants.. he comes over yesterday and he wants to slp so we go to slp.sigh and then when he dont wana help me or teacch me he doesnt.. and i alwasie hav to wait..obviously today ..right now..he is free coz he dont wana study for his exam nemore..sigh and he says the he wants to help me and when he offers i nver want to take it..which is bs.. coz te times that he alwaise asks is alwaise shit time for me.. sighhhh

arghh i dont know wat the hel is happening between us..sigh i dont know wat is going to happen when i go away too..sigh will he miss me? sgh.. i wonder if iwl see him agen before i leave.. he sed yesterday that he wud see me next week sometime..but then he randomli came over last night.. which was shitty too coz i had exam right and needed to study and slp so cudnt reali spend any time with him sighs..

maybe thats why he came over last night..? coz he knew that i h ad to slp earli sigh and so we cdnt spend too much time together? sighs.. i dont know.. im going nuts..and im soo going to fail this exam.. like the other two iv done sighs.. im soo stressed..and angry and arghhh.. i dont know..

i wish that we could hurry up and sort things out..sigh i wish that he wud give us another chance sighs.. it sks soo bad..coz he we still see each other and when we do its great..its like one day every week im the happiest person around sigh.. but then afterwards it usually really hurts coz he goes away again and then im left alone thinkn wat the hel to do.. and wats going on sighs...

i know that im stoopid..but sometimes i think tat its worth it to be like this.. coz at least i get to see him once a week and be happy for once sigh.. although in the end it hurts like shit and i end up cryin sigh.. i still love him soo much and i dont know if i can take not seeing or talkin to him for soo long sigh.. *tears*

its hard..sigh really hard...

i dont know wat to do anymore..sigh i know i must study tho.. bleh but i really need help for this.. if onli he wasnt soo selfish sigh and helpd me out sigh.. mm i guess i cant really call him selfish coz i am too sigh coz i want him all to myself =X lol sigh oki not all..but i want him bak lah..u dont understand how much it hurts to see him and nt be abl to call him by the names that i used to..and not to hear him call me babes and hun and kiss me and tell me that he still loves me....

arghh dreaming suks sometimes man... lol sigh
it doesnt come true...bleh it never has sigh.. why am i such a dreamer..sigh...

[say that u love me - jay r and kyla]

My morning starts to shine
With teardrops in my eyes
And here i am alone
Starting to realize
That my days would be brighter
If i could learn to hide
The feelings that i have for you
Keep hurting me inside

Then my day begins with simple
Thoughts of you
Hoping that tomorrow
Will be me and you
Sharing dreams with each other
And making them come true
Holding one another saying
All i need is you

But will you say
That you love me?
And show me that you care
Say when i need you
You will always be there
But if you go and leave me
This i swear is true
My love will always
Be with you

Now my nights would end
With just one wish
That's you
To hold me in the dark
And help me make it through
'coz the pain that's inside me
Would simply melt away
If i had you here with me
And promise me you'd stay

Repeat chorus 2x..

sigh say that u love me... sighh love me agein... blehh =(
and yes my love will alwaise be with u..sigh its alwaise been with u babes..

- dreamer (missing u)


my curly hair ~tuesday night 12th june..

i was soo excited ahaha =Pp ..sigh

hmmm this is a gay post..just a pic of me and my hair.. =X i shall put up more pics... X_X


...hmm me and ger with my curly hair..=/

mmm i dont know wat else to put up..sighs.. yes that pic looks retarded coz i was sittin on his lap so im reli close to the camera..=X shuttup sigh....

yep oki.. err.. sigh

- dreamer (iloverogerness)

i thought that this time when i go away it would be easier to say goodbye to him.. to be able to leave without a tear.. oki no not possible, let me rephrase.. not too many tears.. lols sighs mm
today i was at uni studying with him..and i finally told him that im leaving..in 6 days... lol =/ sighs and the reaction i got wasnt great lol.. well it was nothing..it was like he didnt really care.. sigh i tried not to let it affect me and kept reminding myself about wat people been telling me ..how if he doesnt miss or care then he doesnt deserve me sigh..

yes i know that it has been a very long time already and i should be over him by now.. mm like i said many times before too.. nowun really understands all that iv been going through.. thers been many things happening still which makes things really confusing and hard to let go sighs..

but i alredi knew that yes.. i hav to get ovr him eventually and i planned that this would be the time sigh.. its a one month holiday.. away from here.. away from him.. sigh.. i dont know if i can take it..but i know that i have to do this..it will be good.. get my mind off things hopefully and come back happy again.. well at least come back witout him being my first priority all the time..

its actually exam times right now.. and i have one tmro morning and i havnt really studied enough for it lol but im still here blogging.. meaning my priorities are very screwed over right now haha coz he is still number one to me..sighs.. it shudnt be like this tho huh!? sighs

mm sighs.. i know its time to let go ..its hard.. very very hard.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. i shudnt be stressing over one boi for soo long at this age too sigh.. the first cut is the deepest huh! sighs.. it really is.. he really cut me reli reli deep..sighs..

anyways today i tried to say goodbye to him witout crying.. and i didnt! but i did tear once..coz it wud be the last time i see him in a very long time..and things will probably change alot when i get back.. all the things that been happening will have to stop and things will really be differnt.. if he doesnt want us to be together nemore then ..iwl hav to really let go of him and stop being jealous about all the people arond him sigh.. and try to be friends huh? sighs...

mm he saw me cry i tink..and he knows that this is hard for me coz he knows how i feel about him stil.. sigh and he told me to stop being a retard and that he was going to see me next week before i leave....=/

i told him no.. coz i didnt want him to think that i onli teard/cried coz i wantd him to feel bad and to come and see me..coz tats really not wat i was doing sigh.. today i thought was the last day i wud seee him for a whle..and although it wasnt as nice i thought it would be sigh.. i knew that i had to go and stop seeing him and think about my exams.. sighs....but then i cant help it if im sad la lol.. i do love him and it hurts to hav to say gooodbye to him again..sighs..

mmm i dont know wat is happening now tho..i dont want to talk to him about it or bother him sighs.. i need to study and he needs to study sighs..i just wish..pray ..that he wud miss me while im away.. sigh and when i get back he will give us a try again sighs... i reli wish that wud happen.. sigh.. bt i shdnt be gettin my hopes up *slap serene* lol sighs.. arghhhhhhhh

im stressed about everything..and scared about leaving these holidays..but it will be good for me and him..sighs.. its me time huh..sighs.. must stop stressing ...lol sighhhhhhhhhhh

i actually had a really good weekend sigh.. on saturday i went to his majestys theatre with him and his mom and bro..to watch a chinese play called butterfly lovers.. its like a chinese version of romeo and juliet.. it was reli sad and i cried a few..many times lol haha sigh..it was fun tho..we dressed up and got pretty .. hehe sighs...

mmm and then on tuesday ..i got my hair curled at toni and guy ! and it was great lol haha it lookd soo hot lols sigh and yeahh i dont know.. no comment lol.. i got to see roger on tues too to show off the hair lol sighs..

i shall put a pic up lol =X .. lol dont mind my vainness lol sighs...actually iwl put it on the next post coz usu when i put up photos halfway thru a blog it screws up the WHOLE post and iget angry and hav to edit it all sighs.. annoyingness.. lol

mmmm sigh oki well i shud reli get bak to study.. exam tmro at 9.. argh sigh.. how the hel do u write 3 essays and do 30 mcq in 2 hours..TWO HOURS ONLY! ..*dies*

s i g h

i hope things get better sooon sigh...

- dreamer (still loving uu...)

its been a while since iv blogged huh..sighs.. wats been going on? ...lol no suprises..? im not okay stil... i stll miss him..i still love him.. i still cry over him.. i still want him back..sigh.. im still stuck over him and i dnt know how to get out of it...

iv been tryin to focus on just studying and all..sigh and not thinkn about him soo much.. im leaving soon anyway sigh.. i duno how imgoing to take this one.. im thinking of just leaving without calling or saying goodbye..sigh but i dont want to too..i wana see him and hug him for maybe the last time ever and tell him that i still and always will love him no matter wat..tears..

but then..i d uno.. cries..i think that if i leave witout tell him he cud get angry but it prob easier for me.. ? i duno.. i dont like him to see me cry.. the person that he went out with was strong..and i never cried..sigh.. i dont like crying..and i hate it so much sigh..i hate myself soo much lately sigh..

thers so many things that iv been doing which just keeps screwing things up between us..sigh.. i dont want things to get worse.. but i dont know wat to do anymore.. its soo hard not being with him... sighh

the last few weeks iv been spending alot of time with him actually..and i thought that its been all good..and we been happy when we spend time together..sigh.. and i miss it soo much.. him being with me for a whole day..breakfast lunch and dinner sigh..i miss him hugging me to sleep every night and him waking up next to me and then complaining about how my room is soo bright inda morninng and the light alwaise wakes him up..cries..

i miss having proper meals and cooking breakfast for us every morning..and him brushing up and making his stoopid loud gurgling noises..sigh..i miss him soo bad..its not funny..i cant take it sometimes..and i keep crying even when i tell myself not to..sigh.. i dont know how to let go of him.. cries..he reli means the world to me.. cries...

the first cut reli is the deepest..i dont think iwl ever completely get over him..and i dont really want to.. i still wish every night that he will come back to me..and that me and him will be us again and be happy and this time really work things out and solve our problems and be happy and do everything that we planned to do together...

our house..our family..our random holidays that we plann..sighh... i love him soo much.. and i hate it that all of our plans and our dreams are juz bleh.. left ther and it can never be done..sigh.. i hate it that he doesnt try.. coz wev been thru soo much.. eveyrthing..literally and.. its blehh fukd that he jzu wana throw away a whole two years .. sigh.. two reli reli great years.. cries

i dont know how to think about everything..when i go away on holiday..i know i hav to get over him..but part of me doesnt want to too coz i hope and wish every day that he will come bak home to me.. sighs.. and i reli pray that he will miss me soo much when i go away sighs.. i hope every night that he will miss me and he will realise that he still does love me.. cries...

i know its been soo long.. and i know i shud be over hm by now..sigh.. but hes juz.. eveyrthing to me..sigh.. iv planned my future with him..and im just so used to having him around every single day and being with me and loving me..sigh .. now adays..every single day seems soo much colder and longer..sighh i cant take it most of the time....

it jus seems like the day never ever ends.. i dont want to get out of bed...sighh i wish sometimes that i cud just slp forever..sighs.. its better than having to face such a long boring slow lonely sad day sighhhhh....

time flies by soo slowly when ur sad huh sighs...

teach me how to be strong again...
teach me how to be happy..

if i cud have onli one wish..i wud wish for him back forever.. i know thers many other ppl out ther in the world etc etc..but hes my first love and i reli reli do l ove him and i can reli see forever with him..yes i know im young..but blehh.. when u feel wat i feel.. u just know that hes the one..and u cant let him go ..its soo not easy.. it hurts.. every day... witout him...sigh

s i g h

iloveu so much**

- dreamer (come back to me..s/2)

make my dream reality

serenery

i believe that the simple things in life are always the most important
that we should never take the people around us for-granted.
life is never long enough, and is an unexpected journey.
and every obstacle are just life's tests to shape who we are,
that mistakes aren't "mistakes" but learning blocks to better ourselves.
i believe you have to take risks - to live life to the fullest and make the most of what we have.
because we only live once.

~ my goal of book reading still stands this year haha and so now i have decided to just list all the books iv been reading and read
> The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom
> Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
> My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
> Vanishing Acts - Jodi Picoult
> The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
> Deception Point - Dan Brown
> Highway Guitar Rose - Bridget Lowry
> The Pelican Brief - John Grisham
> Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years - Sue Townsend
> For One Last Day - Mitch Albom
> Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - JK Rowlings
> Bridget Jone's Diary [the first one]
- Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince - JK Rowlings
- Singletini - Amanda Trimble
- Falling Blossom - Peter Pagnamenta and Momoko Williams
- The Deep End of the Ocean - i shall getbak to u lol
- Ugly - Constance Briscoe
- Simply Irresistible - Rachel Gibson

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- feel free to dream with me :)



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