sigh. well this week has been fuckin epic. a uberly epic rollercoaster ride. sigh.. an emotional one!.. bleh.

a few days ago i was happy :) very happy! wat i wanted deep down inside.. came true! and i thought it was all going to work out..with me and my boy. he basically told me that he liked me, missed me and cudnt stop thinkn about me. gosh. iwas happy :)

but then all that changed yesterday. bleh. yesterday was just fuckin epic full stop. it was just so fuckd up! so much drama. bleh. fucking boys!

i not going to bother going into it. but fuck. basically we "brokeup". bleh. and its fuckd. id uno. my emotions are fucked. i duno wat the hel to feel. bleh.
part of me is relieved that its over finally...coz i guess from the very beginning we both knew it was just not ever going to happen. sigh but then another part of me really misses him now and wishes that he didnt just say all the things he said.

bleh! thats what really fucks me over. coz a few days ago we wer good! very good! it looked hopeful! bleh. but then all of a sudden.. it all came crashin and it fuckn burnt goood. bleh. it ended. kapish. over. done. the end.!

i duno wat to feel. bleh and i went out last night to try to get my mind off things. hmm drank ..a bit. lol =/ sigh. obviously went thru an emo stage which sucked balls. big big balls. bleh. :( sigh oh and i also lost another guy. well not lost lost. coz inever wantd him to fuckn begin with. but he did ask me out on a date tmro but i saw him last night slutting around so i pretty much told him to get fucked.

so i got rid of two guys in one day!.... good job me!

bleh!

its nearly the end of the year and it had to end soo fuckin epicaly? bleh lol. sigh.
and now me and one of my really good friends.. sigh we are in the shits with each other and he just made me fkn cry. like wtf. too much emotions are flowing thru me bleh. i dno wat is happening but im breaking down! :( argh.

i really cant wait til this year is over. i am seriously over it! fuckin really over it! its not like i had a bad year. i wud say it was a fun year. iv done things i never thought id do and iv learnt new things. bleh. again i got semi fuckd over by a guy.but bleh.. wer girls.thats just what happens.. zz. hm but idnt regret anything :)
just that al this shit that happenign now.. argh. its fuckin with me. and i just wana leave it all behind in fucking 2008.

2009. clean start. clean slate. new year. a better year? sigh. just leaving all the crap behind. :(

sigh. i miss him!

i know i know. hes not good for me. iknow i deserve better. and i know hes bein an immature prick about this whole thing right now. fuckin double standards too! selfish adn unfair! argh. i know all this but yet i still like him. wtf is wrong with me lol :(

hmmm i know iwl b ok. i can live witout him. bleh. just that in this moment..this period in time.. i like him. and i do miss him.. sigh adn it sucks right now.. so bad. coz i wish i was still with him :(

my sensible is soo weak! lol. i know wat to do and iknow us breakin up at this time is perfect.. end of the year. new year etc. but gosh. i feeel soo fkn weak. sigh. the desire is burning so bright. even brighter now than before. bleh and im being so stubborn and selfish maybe? sigh.

i duno. im hurting.

- dreamer (lonely)

I was told by a friend that the reason why he might say the things that he says... is that he doubts himself to commit but in the same time he does care for me.. or else he wnt ask the things he asks. but that in the same time is a very selfish thing to do. lol.
hmm, i think me and him are about the same. cept i know that if i really like the guy and if i am with a guy (as in bf- man even if not bf.. see how im quite very commited to this guy) i wont fuck around. at all. im not like that. sigh. but yeah. we are both very selfish. we want each other but we still love being single? hmm maybe not. ok. common point = selfishness.
my reason for not wanting to like him anymore that i already do is...im scared of him. he is a nice guy. he makes me laugh and hes smart. he really has the potential to be so perfect. but. im scared that he will break my heart. iv had my heart broken before so its hard for me to let my heart go again. and espshlly to this boy. hes already been screwing around and were not together. and our relationship. scares me coz i cant imagine what hed do if we were actually dating and together. argh. its really scary ahhaa. so i guess, part of me wishes and is glad that he is still like how he is and he cant commit to me. coz... i know that once he tells me that he wants me and only me .. i will let my guard down and.. then i will be screwed lol. coz i will start liking him more than i want to.
hmm.. confusing huh. lols. i thought that i was over this stage. but i guess after that "serious" talk we had the other day. it made things clear, yet very complicated in the same time. hahaha.
now we both know that we both do like each other and we do want to keep seeing each other. but in the same time he cant commit to me. and in the same time. since im soo fkn confused. i dnt know if i want him to either. so.. hmm confusing as hel. rofls.

oops i left my blog for an hour hahaha. =/ i will write more later. train of thought derailed lols.

- dreamer

i am stuk.
he askd me tonght. why i liked him.... and like always.. i didnt reply.. lol kinda just ignored.. silence for a bit then.. change of topic lol =/
i do. but i dont want to. im not sure if i really do too.. -_- i confused. lols
i like his company. i miss havin somebody. i knw hes not good for me. i like him? i dont? i duno! hahaha. woot. sigh.

i think im crazy. zzz.

- dreamer (sigh. i duno wat to do.)

"Happily Ever After" (Monday 15 December, 2008 @ 3.38am)

It starts with true love's first kiss.

I want my happily ever after dream come true. To meet the prince of my dreams. That one who would make my heart flutter and skip a beat. Like in the fairytales, when a simple girl who sings and talks to birds and chipmunks every morning, suddenly falls out of a tree and falls into the arms of her Prince Charming who rescues her from her fall.

Happily ever after. If only it were true in reality. To not have to search of look for the one of your dreams, because if it's fate and meant to be it will just come true. He will appear out of nowhere and when you both lock eyes with one another you instantly know that he is the one. The one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. The one who will make you happy for ever and ever.

Prince Charming where are you. I used to believe in fairy tales, in happily ever after. For that one to love me forever and never break my heart. But in reality, life is harsh and love is pain. I still would like to believe that it is fate. That I don't need to search or look for that one, and that he will come find me when the time is right.

Sometimes I just wish that it would hurry up. That my prince will come sweep me off my feet. For someone to look me in the eyes and tell me from the bottom of their heart that he does love me and that he will always love me forever and a day. To give me my perfect happily ever after. To be mine and only mine. My prince for live. My prince who will love me and only me.

I've been through alot of hurt and I've met alot of people and been through enough that I have started to loose faith. It hurts me to think that such a beautiful fairytale doesn't exist in reality. I think about when we were young. Little girls dressed up in cute snow white princess dresses with glittery pink tiaras sitting on their heads. Dancing around and smiling. Innocent hearts believing in love at first sight. Knowing that one day when the time comes, their Prince Charming will catch them when they fall and that will be the day when they fall in love and will love that man for the rest of their lives.

I don't want to ruin this blog but in reality... reality itself is painful. So much innocence has been ruined. I used to be a romantic, to write poems and sing love songs. But now, I havn't written a love letter or poem in over two years. It hurts. The only poems I have written have been sad break up poems. Where I get my heart broken or I am waiting and wishing for that guy I used to think was "the one" to come back and love me again.

Love shouldn't be like that. I wish it was like the fairytale. I wish that I could believe again. To be in a fairytale. To wake up every morning smiling to a sunny day and beautiful blue birds chirping on my window sill. To sing and be so hopeful and happy every day. To have no worries and no doubts. To know that he is out there somewhere and he is looking for me. That there's always hope and always love.

All around me, my friends have all been finding their other half. They have all got someone to call their own. Someone's somebody. To be loved. To be held and hugged every night. Someone to wake up to and smile every morning. I think it is really getting to me. I've been through alot this year. It has been crazy. This year 2008. I've learnt alot and reality has really hit me. The fairytale has been tainted and my beliefs faded.

I wish that my prince will soon come to me. And I will be able to feel how I used to feel. To love and be loved in return. Hopefully he will be my prince forever. My prince who will grant me my happily ever after.

It is so much easier to be a kid again. To be happy and not know the harsh reality of what they call life. To dance around in a pretty little dress with all the dreams and hopes in my mind. With not a worry or doubt, no fear and no pain. To keep the fairytale alive. Saving my very first kiss for the one of my life. For my Prince Charming.

True love's first kiss to begin to my happily ever after.

7 december, sunday.

The worse combination ever. They both make you do such stupid things. Things that you regret the next morning. Things that hurt other people. Boys and Booze.

I did a very stupid thing last night. I chose a boy over my bros. And this wasn't the first time I've done this. Sigh. You would think that one would learn after the first and maybe second time that they make the mistake. But for this boy. I made the mistake again.

The worse thing is, he isn't even my boyfriend. He's not my man. He's not my guy. Hes just a boy. I've never done something so stupid before for a boy. Especially just a boy. Maybe I do like him more than I tell myself that I don't. Maybe I want him to be my boyfriend. My head is just a mess and the booze made it alot worse last night.

Alcohol; makes you do really stupid things and your judgement... What judgement?
I had a bit too much to drink last night. A combination of crazy mixed shots of pure alcohol and more pure shots! Don't get me wrong, I love my alcohol. I drink it nearly every weekend. (Bad, Yes I know) but I think it's time to stop. Or cut down at least.

I wish that I didnt do what I did. But in the same time, im glad that I did because I had an amazing night. It's complicated because this boy isn't even mine but in the same time he is. Ok maybe I am selfish. But it's only normal to be selfish. That is life. And what he makes me feel is jealousy. If only things were different.

Anyways morale is. Boys and Booze is a very very bad mix. Makes you do stupid things. Very very Stupid things.

- Dreamer

10th November 2008

Examinations and Distractions

SIGH well, I think I have failed my first university unit :( AFM! sigh. big big. epic sighs! and fails! lol. epic epic fail :( I really really hope that I can scrape through this unit. All I need is a 50% ! All I want is a 50% ! haha. it was that bad, I walked out 30 mins early coz I was thinkn.. man what a waste of time.. sigh SIGH SIGH FAIL :'(

bleh, anyways I have three more to go and they are all clumped together in one big bunch argh. and on the weekend too bleh. I kinda wish it was before the weekend.. or later in that week. I want to go out lah lols :P

Hmm, yes well that be the examinations. THis semester has been really bad for all of us. maybe just coz its the end of uni. final year.. eeks.. its soo scary sigh. i dont really want to go yet. bleh. sigh at least i got another semester of it.. im really. scared hey.. ahh sigh. i gotta grow up though and get out there.... *sigh*

Anyways, distractions....
well the obvious, boys boys boys. the guy that i met last sat on my bday msgd me the other day telin me that he wants to see me again..=/ haha.. hmm i duno.. didnt know what to say.. hmmm, well exams are now..so not ..now =/ maybe later.. we shall see what happens... and i doubt much will happen so.. lol.. yeah.. lalala...

second distraction would be... my.. yeah him.. at the back of my mind all the time lol.. =/ i have been doing goood... i havnt really talkd to him or seen him in 2 weeks.. over two weeks? i duno.. it feels like its been along time lah lols. i wish that things were different........

bleh anyways, this was a quick blog to say hi =] its been a while.. i will update more when i finish exams.. lalala.. yawns.

for now all i really pray and hope is that i passed afm overall so i dont have to do it ever again *sigh* pleassseeeeeee!!!

ah, bleh . well.. good luck to all whos examing now =]

- dreamer (exam stress)

serenery

i believe that the simple things in life are always the most important
that we should never take the people around us for-granted.
life is never long enough, and is an unexpected journey.
and every obstacle are just life's tests to shape who we are,
that mistakes aren't "mistakes" but learning blocks to better ourselves.
i believe you have to take risks - to live life to the fullest and make the most of what we have.
because we only live once.

~ my goal of book reading still stands this year haha and so now i have decided to just list all the books iv been reading and read
> The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom
> Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
> My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
> Vanishing Acts - Jodi Picoult
> The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
> Deception Point - Dan Brown
> Highway Guitar Rose - Bridget Lowry
> The Pelican Brief - John Grisham
> Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years - Sue Townsend
> For One Last Day - Mitch Albom
> Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - JK Rowlings
> Bridget Jone's Diary [the first one]
- Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince - JK Rowlings
- Singletini - Amanda Trimble
- Falling Blossom - Peter Pagnamenta and Momoko Williams
- The Deep End of the Ocean - i shall getbak to u lol
- Ugly - Constance Briscoe
- Simply Irresistible - Rachel Gibson

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